My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
birth control should be required to get into college
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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