today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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