I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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