I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
