So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
