You can't special order awesome
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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