I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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