my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
