Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
