he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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