I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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