Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize