Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
