I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
