He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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