Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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