I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
