I seem to have left my pride at pride
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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