When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
