We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
