I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
