I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
