He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize