I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
