I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
