tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
