Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
