Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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