I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
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