She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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