I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
