I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
