It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
