You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
