Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
