She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
