I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
