TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
