please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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