take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
