sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
