So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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