ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
