Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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