i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
