The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
