I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize