god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
