you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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