Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
