I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
