my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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