MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
