The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
