By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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