i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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