Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
