Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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