I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
