By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
