You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
