Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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