it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
