I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize