I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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