So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize