Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
