Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
