i just sent this text using only my big toe
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize