Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
